Mental clutter and incoherent thoughts following below FYI
I miss my mum terribly and at 3am I don’t know if I should text someone about it ? People are about to wake up and head to work in a couple of hours but I’m just from having the crying session of the century. I also feel like it would cause whoever I was to write to great panic and that’s already stressing me out. I’m still trying to understand why I’d feel more comfortable on this occasion to just lay it all to a stranger rather than people close to me who I’m sure would want to at least know in this moment this is a heaviness I’m carrying.
Grief has been following me for the last couple of days. Now that I’m not busy with work, it has made itself a guest that’s not in a hurry to leave. Demanding my full attention.
The timing of course couldn’t be worse as I already feel like I’m in a semi fragile mental state, trying to kind of recover from some sort of burnout ?
Is this crazy ?
So I have some upcoming meetups with a couple of people and I keep imagining myself breaking down and just telling them how much I’m struggling with this and I don’t know … how do I stop being the strong person who holds it together and will figure it out alone ?
In a previous friendship, I remember the person expressing being denied the opportunity of being there for me because of not opening up about my struggles then ( not in these exact words ) and I didn’t know how to answer that in a way that didn’t seem like an excuse. Because again, how do I explain that it’s easier for me to be a little more vulnerable with an acquaintance or even a stranger concerning things that are breaking me apart. That me doing such a post feels like my best foot forward in trying to loop my people in even though I won’t share the link directly with them but somehow hope they see it?
Communication sounds like such a reasonable thing to do but how do I explain that you can be in a state where the simple or obvious things to do aren’t just that….. But also is that just an excuse again ?
Anyway, at least I now feel like I’m gonna have that good sleep that comes after crying. And what are the odds that I have a session with a therapist today ? Maybe I should send her a link to this.
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