Will I actually experience that kind of pain again?
Surely not. Are some losses greater than others? Some people would argue yes, but these are the kinds of things I think about sometimes. After your heart has already broken into many pieces, where will ‘new’ pain even find space in?
Does it hurt more when you are older and can understand?
I always feel like there’s a stark difference in how I experienced the loss of my dad vs that of my mum. I usually wonder why and I think there could be a number of reasons why. For one, I was way younger when I lost my dad; barely a teenager and I don’t think I really processed what happened. I couldn’t even view my dad’s body and I think for a long time that kept me in denial. I thought it was going to be like in the movies. He had to fake his death for some great reason and would be back sometime in the future. After all, I didn’t feel like I had evidence of his death. My mum’s however ? I don’t think something has consumed me si much in my life like her death. We definitely got a lot closer during the years after my dad’s death but I don’t know why it hit that hard. Could it also be the consequence of hers cementing that I was for real alone? Without an adult to actually help me navigate life ? I don’t understand it
Other people’s losses triggering your own grief
My hot take is that just because someone has experienced loss and grief, they are the best support during this time for others. I honestly struggle even the more whenever I hear of losses. It’s like my own grief is awakened. So how can I be of support if I feel like I’m selfish. If I feel like I’m triggered. Like I could be crying with you but deep down I’m just mourning all over again.
Additionally, people are so different and accept support differently or feel loved and cared for differently. Just because in my grief I needed people to be around me, doesn’t mean that seems like support for someone else.
Ooh I wish I was more present at times
The number of times I’m reliving the last moments I had with my parents. That one evening in the kitchen baking our first ever chocolate cake. That time my mum was in Nairobi for work so I was basically getting a free staycation at the hotel she was staying at. I’m always trying to see how I can find pictures from years ago. So for the holidays, maybe just really be happy to be involved. Enjoy those moments because some of us would do anything, maybe even a lot of bad things to just have even a day with them.
Theology around death
The dead are dead and don’t know what’s happening…
Maybe believing otherwise could give me some comfort. I don’t know. Is it just so bad to entertain a thought that makes it easy to get through the day? When I have a dream about my mum and we’re so happy. Is it something that I should pray against because it’s just my subconscious or even just spirits bringing such dreams? Is it so bad to be delusional and imagine they could be somewhere seeing me and proud of who I am today.
I don’t know mahn…
But I’ll end my thoughts here
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